The Wonders of Duct TapeMy New Amphibious Car

The Gun

In the early '80s I lived with my friend Tom and his girlfriend Terri in a house only five minutes from Folsom Lake. It was on a dead end street with about 9 other houses. The street ran downhill and each lot was leveled as a "pad", a seemingly California thing. The various homes where I lived in Wisconsin were all on hills which were allowed to slope in their original manner.

The ground was hard pan - impenetrable clay hard as cement - with a thin layer of imported top soil. On the one side of the yard was a rock wall which dropped down to the neighbors on the west, on the other was an embankment about five feet high on top of which our neighbor had a six foot tall wood fence.

The house had a nice large, covered, screened in patio on the back where Tom kept the bed for his dog. This dog had a fascination for the yard of the neighbor with the wood fence and was always going over there. The lower yard to the west had no fence but the dog never went there. Instead he would run across the yard, jump up the embankment then push off the top of the embankment to reach the top rail of the fence and pull himself over.

Tom had a pellet gun, a replica of a Colt 45 revolver, which we would target shoot with in the back yard. It looked fairly real, but on close examination you could see the cover for the CO2 cartridge and the fact that cylinder couldn't revolve. The small bore of the barrel was also a give-away.

One day, shortly after our house had been broken into, I came home to find a revolver laying on the dogs bed. Thinking it was Tom's pellet gun I scolded the dog for taking it and went to pick it up. As I lifted it I turned it such that I got a view of the barrel pointing at me. I freaked! Fuck, this ain't no pellet gun! It had a full size bore and I could see the copper tips of the bullets pointing at me from the cylinder holes!

I took the gun into the house, unloaded it and put the gun in one drawer and the bullets in another.

When Tom and Terri got home that night I showed it to them and neither had any idea where it might have come from. We began to worry that whoever had broke into the house had been packing the gun and dropped it somewhere. Already fearful of confronting a burglar, now we where even more concerned that he might be armed.

One evening about a week later we heard our neighbor behind the fence yelling at his wife from his backyard. He was obviously agitated and kept yelling "Where did you put it?", "Under which bush?"

I went out and asked him: "Are you looking for something?"
"Yes"
"Would it happen to be a gun?"
"Yes how did you know?"
"What kind?"
"A Colt 45 revolver."
"I have it."
"How the hell did you get it?"
"It was on the dog's bed."
"How did it get there?"
"You tell me!"
"Well last weekend my wife and I had a fight and I went out and got really drunk. She took the gun and hid it outside under the bushes."
"I guess the dog jumped the fence again, found the gun and brought it home."

Satisfied with his explanation I returned the gun and bullets to him, although I was concerned of the need for her to hide the gun in the first place.

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On Specificity

Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller

Large Air Spill at Wind Farm - No threats reported

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SOME CLAIM TO ENJOY THE BREEZE

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Crash

The morning was crisp and clear. Several inches of new snow made the skiing conditions perfect. My friend Tom and I found a spot just off the side of the trail where someone had made a jumping ramp. We checked it out and started using it, faster and faster, each time we came down the hill.

The jump was at a spot where another very wide trail intersected at 90 degrees. Being a weekday it was easy to time yourself with traffic on the hill to make the jump. The hill dropped away gradually as you crossed the other trail. The drop-off angle was perfect, such that, at about 30 mph going into the jump, you could be airborne for about 60 feet, yet never more than about 2 feet above the ground. A great rush.

After about eight runs through the jump we headed up to the top of the mountain where we spent most of the rest of the day.

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Near the end of the day we decided to head down and catch a few more runs near the lodge. As we came up to the jump I was in the lead - Tom yelled "Go for it!".

Flying faster than I had all morning, I committed to the jump.

Suddenly it became clear that this was no longer the jump I had known in the morning. My skis were locked into deep grooves which had been worn into the approach and the ramp itself was all hollowed out, looking more like a launch pad for a moon shot.





I bent my knees to take the shock of hitting what was more of a wall than a jump, thereby allowing me to make a perfect launch off the ramp. Arms spinning in wide circles providing the perfect gyroscopic stabilization. Meanwhile my legs, bent back at the knees, trimmed my skis for the least wind resistance on the perfectly vertical ascent.

Soon acceleration waned and gravity took over - "Twenty feet" Tom said, "Maybe even twenty-five" at the apex.

Then down I came, straight down, skis still kicked back. I watched the ground coming up as my ski tips hit first, my skis bending wildly. When it seemed the skis would surely break, my bindings let go and the skis snapped down to lay flat on the ground. My right knee became the first part of my body to make contact - directly on the ski binding.

At first I was laughing so hard I could hardly breath, I mean it was hilarious - would have won the Funniest Videos show - but then the pain hit when I tried to move my leg, bringing tears to my eyes.

At first I thought my knee was broken, but I found I could move it and all seemed sound. I was alternating between crying out in pain and laughing. Tom was a basket case laughing and some poor lady who stopped to offer help was totally confused.

I got to my feet and found I could put some weight on my leg so I slowly finished the run down the hill. When I got to the bottom the pain had pretty much subsided so I decided I need to "work it off". What better way to do that then take another run down the hill, so onto the lift I went.

Upon reaching the the top of the lift I collapsed in a heap when I got off. I could no longer put any weight on my right leg and I had a 1.5 mile run down the hill to the lodge. I guess I could have got help from the ski patrol, but instead took off, skiing on one leg as much as possible.

When we got to the bottom I went to the lodge to sit and wait for Tom to finish the last 45 minutes of the day with another run or two. Upon his return I was no longer able to get up from the table and he had to help me hobble to the car.

On the way home we stopped at a friend's to borrow some crutches. The 90 minute drive had stiffened my knee to where I could no longer bend it - I had to be dragged from the car.

The next day I went to the doctor's. X-rays revealed that I had not broken anything, but my knee cap, my tibia and fibula were all severely bruised where they meet, at the inside of my knee. I was given an elastic knee brace and sent on my way.

Having just used the last of my vacation time and no sick pay, I had to go back to work the next day.

OSHA probably would have freaked had they seen me up on people's roofs, with crutches, fixing air conditioners.

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After 50

And Now For Something Totally Different!

The Birdbath

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Another Tub for 99

Agent 99 has become the victim of KAOS. They sneaked in at mid-day while she was sleeping and purloined the over sized claw foot tub from her front porch. The very tub I requisitioned from CONTROL for her last year.
It seems she has now taken to having to cleanse in a feline manner so once again an order has been placed for delivery of one massive claw foot tub. Included will be 15 yards of cement to anchor it to the ground so hopefully it will remain in place. Quick-ship fees have been waived. And of course the obligatory barrel of brandy!

Saturday Night Music Videos at the Vault

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After taking a break, Saturday Night Music Videos has returned with:

COMEDY SONGS

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The Explanation of Our Current Situation... The Front Fell Off!

After a short stay in America , Michelangelo's David returned to Europe ...

[h/t Homeyra]

For Agent 99

Inaugural Album Release

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Some of my cave-mates and I have put together our first album.
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Uncle Jay's Year in Review

I Can Hear the Cowbell

My ear infection must be gone - I can hear the cowbell!

From Crackle: snl- cow bell

Merry

'Tis The Season

Uncle Jay Explains the News This weeks word: Asterisk

Breaking News!